Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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