life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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