Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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