She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
