Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
