vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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