when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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