I skipped work to stalk him.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you inspire me to be a worse person
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
