how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize