So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
