so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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