great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
