sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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