Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
