I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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