Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
