Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
