Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
