When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
