She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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