Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
