Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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