And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize