i will never coherently bang her
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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