I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
