Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
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