Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize