remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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