I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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