Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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