just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
