Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
