WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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