he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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