I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
