i wish my penis had a tongue
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
