All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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