Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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