can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
