eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
