I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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