remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
