My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
