Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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