Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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