On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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