At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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