When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
