i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
