drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
