Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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