I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
