Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
