then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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