i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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