I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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