first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
