she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
