If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
