the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
two words: eviction party
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize