I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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