He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
